In writing this blog, I promised to be authentic and genuine with you all. That's not always easy especially when I'm not exactly happy or happy with myself. Here's the thing, I will never coin myself as a "perfect mother" because I'm not. My kids drive me absolutely freaking bonkers on a regular basis, but I love them with all of my heart and soul. Still though, there are times when I think that they deserve better.
What kind of mother gets frustrated with her own baby? I ask myself that on a regular basis because I get frustrated with my exclusively breastfed daughter who hasn't slept through the night in her nearly 15 months (yeah, over a year) and who wants to be held BY ME all of the time. I find myself justifying my frustrations because I'm not proud of it, but shouldn't I still be entitled to my own emotions? My husband is right here doing this parenting thing with me, but I still find myself feeling like we are worlds apart. He just doesn't seem to understand the difficulties I have that he doesn't. Maybe it's because he isn't here all day long with us or maybe it's because he sleeps. Maybe it's because he doesn't have boobs. I don't know. But for some reason, I am the one feeling completely touched out by 11 a.m. No matter how much I try to explain it, he just doesn't seem to understand or empathize or relate. I just need a minute of solace. Some peace and quiet. Enough time to take a deep breath. A time to shake it off without anyone touching me. Is that so much to ask? I feel like a bad mom, as if I'm selfish for asking for and wanting these things. Shouldn't I be thrilled that my daughter just wants me? That my kids love me? That we get to spend all of our time together? Don't get me wrong, I am happy. But I am also overwhelmed. I am also ready to crawl out of my skin at times because I just need a minute without holding a baby or having someone underfoot or grabbing my legs. The mom guilt eats at me for not being the mom with a smile plastered on my face, eating up every minute of my kids' childhoods. That's the mom I thought I would be. In fact before my daughter was born, I was pretty good at it. She is such a different baby than my son was though, and things have been hard on me. Part of me thinks that this is normal. This is motherhood. I am not alone in these feelings. Are you a mom who feels the same way? I'd love to know. Motherhood can be hard, challenging, and make me feel rather ugly. But it's real. Every ounce of frustration, impatience, worry, and guilt is the real deal. I am a mom. I am also a wife. I am a woman, a human being. I have so much of myself tied up in being the best possible mom to my children. Sometimes I just need to take care of me, as a person. I am a better mom when I am not running on fumes. Aren't we all? No matter how frustrated, overwhelmed, and touched-out I am, I love my children with every fiber of my being. This love is unconditional. I won't be the perfect mother. I won't always be happy and smiley. Honestly, who is? That's just not authentic. It's not how life works or who I am. That's okay though. I will always love my little ones. I will love them when I'm upset or when they're upset.
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Megan is a stay-at-home mom to a stubborn and charming toddler and adorable baby girl. She is a freelance writer who hasn't slept in way too long.. She survives off of the pot of coffee her wonderful husband makes her FRESH each morning and any snack she can grab while keeping up with her little ones. Archives
October 2019
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