Below is an entry I wrote when I was pregnant with my daughter. It was my second high-risk pregnancy with the same concern: intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). My first pregnancy, with my son, a year-and-a-half prior I was diagnosed with the same condition. He ended up being delivered early at 37 weeks because his growth rate dropped significantly between appointments. My second pregnancy, with my daughter, I received the same diagnosis around the same time (29 weeks). Her growth was actually more severely restricted than my son's, and we prepped for a second C-section at 37 weeks. We had two appointments per week to check on her and actually scheduled the C-section. Less than a week before I was due for my C-section, around 35.5 weeks, her growth increased dramatically. It increased so much that she was no longer considered IUGR. We rescheduled the C-section for 39 weeks (which is standard), and she made it until then. She was nearly 7 pounds when she was born. That was HUGE compared to her big brother who was a mere 5 pounds at birth. I am 32 weeks pregnant. That's about 8 months. I've gained a little over 10 pounds from what I weighed before I got pregnant (not for lack of eating, that's for sure). My little peanut is a small baby, and that is the nicest way any of our care team has described it. The clinical term seems to be "poor fetal growth." My first born was an IUGR baby which means intrauterine growth restriction. The conditions are pretty much the same thing from my understanding. So what does this mean? It means that my baby could be totally fine, and she's just small. I'm small. My husband's small. Our son is small. It's a likely scenario. There might be some issue for concern though so doctors want to take every precaution possible. Right now that included two ultrasounds a week for the past 3 weeks. As of this week, it means one ultrasound per week and one non-stress test per week. So I am the doctor's office twice a week right now. It's a lot of doctor's appointments. It feels like I should be paying rent at the clinic because I spend so much time there. I watch my calories not for the point of limiting them, but to know that I am eating enough. Pregnancy is a blessing. I am totally grateful for my 2 healthy babies, relatively healthy pregnancies, and the ability to carry my babies. However, pregnancy is not always a cake-walk. It is not always a happy, glowy time.
I don't say this to sound selfish or to be shamed. I'm not. But it's hard. For me, high-risk pregnancy means dozens upon dozens of doctor appointments, it's thousands of dollars in medical expenses, it's worrying, calorie counting, and wondering what I'm doing wrong. When our babies are inside our own bodies and we still can't keep them 100% safe and healthy, it's a pretty crappy feeling. It's terrifying and frustrating. It can really make a woman feel like a failure as a mom even though it is totally out of our hands and control. What is supposed to be a happy, exciting time becomes stressful and hectic, but on a positive note the weeks FLY by when you're visiting the clinic so much. No two babies are the same so we can't expect pregnant mothers to be the same. Not every mom is going to be happy and excited. Some of us are just trying to claw our way to the finish line, to hold that sweet baby in our arms, know he/she is safe and healthy, and feel as if we can breathe again.
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Megan is a stay-at-home mom to a stubborn and charming toddler and adorable baby girl. She is a freelance writer who hasn't slept in way too long.. She survives off of the pot of coffee her wonderful husband makes her FRESH each morning and any snack she can grab while keeping up with her little ones. Archives
October 2019
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